How to Do It is Slate’s column dedicated to sexual advice.If you have an inquiry,submit it to Jessica and Rich here.Your submission is anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I find myself in awkward situations due to my drinking habits. It’s not that I’m excessively intoxicated; rather, these outings lead me to make some… dubious choices. While I don’t venture out every weekend, I enjoy cocktails with friends followed by dancing. Most of the evening goes smoothly, but as my friends start to leave, I tend to end up hooking up with someone.

Alcohol provides the courage to let my guard down, making me forget my usual standards. I often find myself attracted to someone on the dance floor, sharing a few kisses and chatting outside before we head back to my place, or sometimes theirs (I at least avoid going to a stranger’s home). It’s generally harmless, though there are times I regret the choice. I’ve encountered differing political views (not ideal!). Once, a guy bizarrely presented a bag of used sex toys he carries around. Other times, the reality in the morning reveals they’re not as appealing, the sex wasn’t impressive, or something similar. In the moment, it all seems exciting and mysterious, but the sober me often disagrees with my choices. Is the solution to simply stop drinking altogether? How can I mentally prepare myself before a night out?

—Lowered My Standards

Dear Lowered My Standards,

How satisfied are you with your sober standards? I wonder if your spontaneous decisions while drinking may stem from a need—whether it’s connection, intimacy, or just enjoying physical pleasure. If any resonate with you, perhaps reassessing your standards, being more intentional about your encounters, or exploring with a high-quality sex toy could be beneficial. Moreover, reflect on why you stay out after your friends depart. Are you feeling lonely? Would it be useful to arrange a sleepover with someone or engage in a solo activity when your friends call it a night?

If you’re thinking, “How can I be mindful of my hookups while drinking?”, switching to mocktails or not going out at all might be the best path. Recognizing feelings of being out of control, even if you don’t label it as messy, is a clear sign to slow down. If you’re questioning how to limit yourself to one or two drinks, that might suggest that alcohol isn’t serving you well right now.

That said, when engaging with many different individuals, particularly in intimate situations while under the influence, unexpected moments are likely to occur. The more people you meet, the higher the probability of encountering ridiculous situations. Often, initial sexual experiences can be average; people frequently appear more attractive under the dim lights of a bar than in the harsh morning light. Consider clarifying what you truly desire from these encounters to help navigate them more effectively.

Dear How to Do It,

My girlfriend and I have been unsuccessful in our attempts to enjoy shower sex. We love the idea of it—how steamy it appears when others do it—but every time we try, one of us faces challenges: getting soaked, slipping, or struggling to find the right position. Transitioning from foreplay in the shower to the bed tends to kill the mood. Despite several attempts, we’ve given up. Can you provide any advice to enhance this experience?

—Steaming

Dear Steaming,

Visually appealing sex doesn’t always equate to pleasurable experiences, and while they can overlap, achieving that balance requires considerable skill and effort. The artistry behind adult films often emphasizes aesthetics over authentic enjoyment. If you’re aiming to replicate the sensations from those visual representations, it’s essential to recognize the gap between what looks good and what actually feels good.

You have several options to consider: using a rubber mat in the shower to prevent slipping, abandoning the idea of standing sex in favor of a more stable position on the floor, or practicing standing positions outside of the shower beforehand. Additionally, placing a large, soft towel on the bathroom floor can allow you to finish without having to dry off and move to the bed. You might also transform the drying-off process into a continuation of foreplay before heading to bed. If you come across a shower with a water source at chest level or a handheld shower head positioned above you, it could be worth trying again.

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Dear How to Do It,

I’m feeling despondent. I’ve been with my partner, “Ethan,” for seven years (one year married). Initially, our sex life was fulfilling, filled with exploration and shared desires. Even during our long-distance phases, our sexting kept the intimacy alive. However, this vibrant interaction ceased about two years ago. I kept sending him photos and sharing my thoughts, but his responses dwindled, often limited to compliments without further progress.

After getting a job closer to home last year, we saw each other more frequently, but our physical connection became routine: late-night quickies before sleep when I’m often exhausted. Though it happens frequently and remains enjoyable, it lacks variety. I’ve tried to initiate change but after multiple dead ends, I’ve started to ask directly about our situation. Now it’s even more strained. He claims to be satisfied, misinterprets my inquiries as criticism, or evades dialogue by withdrawing entirely. I can see how he might feel criticized, but I’m just saddened and perplexed about the shift, especially since he still expresses happiness in other areas of our relationship.

—At My Wit’s End

Dear Wit’s End,

I’m curious about how you’ve articulated your needs to Ethan regarding the decline in your sexual rapport. Are there other aspects of your relationship where he perceives questioning as critical? There seems to be a disconnect in your communication, and I lack specific details to diagnose the issue accurately.

Occasionally, when the first attempt to discuss a sensitive topic goes awry, subsequent discussions can evoke negative feelings from that initial conversation. If this rings true, you could approach the matter subtly. Reflect on topics that trigger his defensiveness, and consider addressing something related but less contentious first. Once you’ve successfully engaged in a discussion, allow that experience to settle for a while.

When you feel the time is right to address your sexual needs directly, think back on previous fruitful conversations. What contributed to those positive outcomes, and how might you replicate that success now? Also, consider other changes that may have occurred two years ago—did Ethan undergo a job transition? Did your engagement change anything? Perhaps external family dynamics shifted?

—Jessica

More Advice from Slate

I’m in a fulfilling monogamous relationship with my boyfriend, and we share a cozy home. Overall, our sexual experiences are fantastic, though I have a concern I hope to shift my perspective on. I typically run every morning, which leads to a normal amount of sweating. I often feel unappealing when I’m sweaty, prompting me to want a shower before engaging in any activities. My boyfriend has taken to initiating morning sex after I exercise.